Shame

How does shame work?

Shame can be felt physically, causing palpitations, feeling hot, blushing, cold sweats, anxiety or stomach ache. It can manifest itself as nervousness and embarrassment, despair at feeling like a failure, or anger at being insulted or humiliated. It can manifest itself as contempt for the weakness of others or yourself, arousing a flight reaction or the need for control. Shame can make you feel worthless, weird or abnormal.

Common ways of reacting to shame include attacking yourself or others, withdrawing from your surroundings or numbing the feeling with work, exercise, drugs or other stimulants.

Feeling shame isn’t always a bad thing. Being able to feel shame has always been important to our survival and in our interaction with other people. The feeling motivates us to preserve our place in and membership of a group and helps us to be sensitive and attentive to others. Kind of like a social and empathic compass.

However, sometimes we feel shame for no reason. It could be that someone else is behaving badly towards you, and you feel ashamed even though it’s not your fault. Or it could be your brain misunderstanding and misinterpreting.

Dealing with your feelings of shame

1. Reflect

Next time you feel shame, try to embrace it rather than fight it off or distract yourself. And ask yourself the following:

• What’s making me feel so terrible and bad?
• What are the consequences of my reaction?
• Could I have reacted differently?

Putting your feelings of shame into context can give you a better understanding of yourself and how you function and, in the longer term, make it easier to accept and unburden yourself from such feelings.

2. Tell someone you trust about your feelings

Putting your thoughts and fears into words while also listening to someone else’s opinion can defuse and reduce your feelings of shame.

3. Practise self-compassion

You can practise being kinder to yourself. You can start by trying to show yourself the same understanding and compassion you would show someone else. How would you treat a friend or family member in the same situation?

4. Separate action from person

Just because you do something you regret or feel guilty about doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Reviewed by: Johnny Pellas, neuropsychologist and researcher, Uppsala University.

Last edited 2022-03-11