Grief and mourning

What is grief?

Experiencing grief is more than simply being sad. It’s a natural emotional reaction to a major loss such as the death of a loved one or a separation. Grief can also be triggered by major changes in life, such as your children leaving home, losing your job or retiring and no longer feeling needed.

The vast majority of people experience grief after a major loss or change. It’s a necessary part of life to process what’s happened and to find ways to adapt to the change. It can prove a difficult and painful transition, especially if it concerns someone or something that meant a great deal to you.

For many, grief and crying are two sides of the same coin. However, there are many other ways in which you can react. Extreme tiredness, mood swings, difficulty concentrating, restlessness and sleeping problems can be symptoms of grief. Grief can also be felt physically as stomach ache, a tight chest and loss of appetite. For older people, more diffuse symptoms and depression are especially common.

How does grief affect your life?

Each situation gives rise to a unique experience of grief, and there’s no right way to grieve. It’s common to not be able to do as much as usual and to need to lower your expectations for a while.

You’ll often find yourself brooding over what’s happened. Sometimes, people who are mourning feel that they can see or hear the deceased. This, too, is a natural reaction and doesn’t mean that you’ve become mentally ill.

It’s important to dare to show your emotions. Bottling everything up inside can lead to trying to escape grief by, for example, working or travelling excessively. It can also lead to destructive behaviours, such as taking pills, drinking alcohol or gambling excessively. These actions can postpone your grief and make you feel even worse.

We often hear about a year of mourning, meaning that it takes at least a year to process a major loss. When a loved one has died, holiday celebrations can prove especially trying the first time without that person.

Can I get better?

With grief, it can feel like life will never get better again. This isn’t the case. Moreover, no matter how painful it is, you have to move through it.

The first step is to allow yourself to be sad. Often, other emotions, such as anger, anxiety and guilt, are also felt. Feeling this way isn’t wrong, even if it can be confusing.

Putting your thoughts and feelings into words usually makes them easier to understand. Talk to someone you trust, preferably several different people. This often requires several conversations over a longer period of time. Writing down your thoughts can also help. You could call a helpline as well.

When everything’s chaotic and nothing makes sense, it’s important to try to stick to your normal routines. You may need to cut back on work and other stressors, but try to eat and sleep regularly. Be alone when you want and need to, but don’t shut yourself off completely. Support from others is often important if you’re to move forward.

Try to spend time on activities and relationships that feel meaningful. An important part of the grieving process is remembering what you have that still gives life meaning. This could be family, work, hobbies or perhaps a pet that needs you. You can seek out new meaningful pursuits, such as a support group or voluntary work.

For relatives, the situation can prove difficult and scary to handle. But being able to listen, help with household chores or just be there can make a huge difference. Often, the worst thing for the mourner is the avoidance and the silence. Ask what they need and how you can help out and support them.

Where can I get help and support?

In more difficult scenarios, such as the death of a young person, time doesn’t always heal all wounds. If you or a relative feel overwhelmed by low mood or even depression, you should seek professional help. The same is true if someone has fastened in destructive behaviours, such as gambling or alcohol dependency, or doesn’t want to live anymore.

Your healthcare centre can offer guidance and, if necessary, a referral for talking therapy with a counsellor or a psychologist. If you have ongoing sleeping problems, help is available. There are also many societies and organizations that offer grief support.

Reviewed by: Siri Helle, psychologist, author and public speaker.

Last edited 2024-05-08